failure.

by time i've posted this blog, my student loan payment will be processed and will total to my bank account holding-- at most, eight whole dollars and some cents, granted i've unsubscribed from every single membership and service that can't come for free. the persevering it takes to continue job hunting in a wider area spanning towards a metropolis like Houston provides me with multiple epiphanies and truths about myself. i'm not a significant employee in any of the businesses i've worked for in my hometown; merely entry-level. the jobs were nice for what they are, nice enough that i allowed them to take up the time i could've spared for myself, even if in silent thought i knew to myself-- i need more.

anyways, i'm just tired of wasting time on stuff that can't matter at this moment. i'm reluctantly returning to social media while operating from desperation, having had a childish hell growing up with various outlets and all their smoke-and-mirror distinctions they offer. i think that's where all my emotion can be at times like this. not my painting nor a job that (hopefully soon) provides me security, the distractions in-between these circumstances of life and income. no matter how many friendly faces i meet through the web, this isn't a place for me to form relationships and it shows how many alongside my profiles have decided to close in.

i've been so many different personas: i tried to open up about my life, however boring or immature it may look. i've shown my freak and cringe, made very little impressions, positive or negative. (it's fucked how much work you might have to put in just to be considered "cringe" in today's internet.) though i've deleted old accounts necessary to back this up, i've posted my artwork, sketches and creative progress for nearly a decade. that's been the only visible success in connecting with other people online, what i create with my bare hands. whether i had 400 followers or my current highest of 92 on Instagram, most of my time i've spent moderating to ensure spam and porn bots were swiftly rid of, this is who have gathered and stuck with me.

i appreciate the folks who stuck with me for long, despite my shortcomings, despite my failures. i don't know the lesson i'm meant to learn since starting my time on the internet but it isn't "social media isn't real, don't take it too seriously". there are moments i take note of. i see who care for my drafts. i move them carefully today as nothing with me is ever concrete until i obsess over them like a sweet dream that ends from my alarm tones. i'll try to keep in touch as much as i can.

amidst this abysmal pit i'm settled in, i do have some projects for the near future in the drafts, some i've shared with friends & trusted users, some i may or may not test in the digital waters, (Instagram, BlueSky, Tumblr, etc.) before i execute them. it'll be sooner or later that they'll come out to see the day. it's solely because i'm still living with my parents that i can do this, for that i'm grateful-- some days. i can have a depressive trip come over me and develop a hissy fit every now and then.

if all goes accordingly before summertime, i'll develop enough space to let this site be a place i can truly express myself and put in worthwhile text updates overtime. above all of that, this is the one site, as dated as it is, i wish to use for topical discussions. i have no more reason to rant and form paragraphs in spots that are mere media feeds nor character-limited logs made to satisfy or generate algorithmic trends.